Buried Treasure
So I finally figured out what I've been trying to communicate to friends, counselors, family and everyone about my mental health lately. You have to understand that I am logical about my depression, so if I come to you one day and say, " hey i'm depressed, let me talk to you about it and hear your input," you might say something like sure. You listen and then you might suggest option A or option B, maybe even nothing at all because my situation has you perplexed or you just know that being a good listener can sometimes be the solution. Thing is, not to offend you, but the way I work with my mental health is I've already thought of options A-C and even construed option X, Y, Z and sometimes option #267. The point I'm trying to make is this: I've exhausted myself not only being depressed or anxious about something, I've gone the extra mile and thought of every possible solution, ran simulation after simulation of each option with a success/failure rate, and came out the other end none the wiser.
I've been telling people for the last year that "something is missing. I have no idea what it is, but I can't shake the fact that something is missing."
You know what, I just figured out what that thing is. What I found was not the solution to my problem, but rather a more clearly defined puzzle, whose solution I'm still looking for. I'll give you an example: I'm putting together a film for a buddy of mine, I get excited to do this as it is my dream job to work as a producer pulling people together to make a film and hey, I get to make my friend's dream come true. It's a two-for-one kind of deal! Next, I am happy to be working since the production company I created is finally getting business and that means I can start being a provider again. Dream, check. Job to provide money for my family, check.
So here I am herding people for this production, actors, directors, makeup, you name it. I suddenly stumble across a friend of mine who, since we last spoke, has recently also become a producer working for a company I used to love working for and was let go from. This, just like seeing anyone else in a similar life stage doing better than yourself, is a crippling, major roadblock in my path. My anxiety shoots through the roof, I question decisions that I've made in my life, how good of a husband and father I am to my family, the short film, everything gone out the window in that one instant.
I try to reassure myself, I try to be disciplined and push through it, all I have to do is post one little Facebook post about casting and getting crew, but I'm still being held back by something. And that something ladies and gentlemen, is the now clearly defined question I have that remains to be solved. No matter how hard I try and just make the stupidly simple Facebook post to ask for people's help with the film, I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally make myself do it.
So then I look at myself and ask, "Am I not disciplined enough?" I mean, everyone can do a little better, I could spend less time doing menial things, sure. Do I have the motivation? I mean my friend's only hope for the past year and a half was making this film, so yes there's motivation to help. Do I lack passion? Maybe...Maybe I'm not as passionate about this project as other projects, but even then, I can be passionate about something I'm doing and still run into the same problem. Is it medication? I've changed my medication three times in the past year and feel like my depression is pretty stable, my anxiety is a lot better than where it was, but at the same time I don't want to be numb to those feelings. Is it thinking behavior? I don't think so, I've put the many cognitive and psychological techniques I've been taught to use to try and trick my brain, but to no avail.
So I ask you, what is this missing thing? To be honest, I don't know. But this is why I keep telling people that I don't feel comfortable holding a job. It's like an episode of Stargate SG-1. There's an alien warrior who is a host to another alien that acts as his immune system in a weird, but effective symbiotic relationship. At one point, grave circumstances are such that the warrior sustains injuries that also damage this alien living inside of him. This alien ends up dying, while the warrior takes medication to now act as his immune system.
Ever since this change, he has always felt that he was not at 100%, even when he becomes medically stable, and exceeds physical examination clearing him for active duty, he continues to train. Why? Because he isn't at the top of his game. The warrior's mentor is eventually the one that convinces the warrior that strength comes from within and that it definitely does not come from another source, be it medication or this other alien.
I love the lesson being taught here and maybe that is in fact the answer to my question, but I need you to understand this clearly:
When I tell you that I am not 100%, I expect you to understand that what I am telling you is truth. I have exhausted as many resources as I have to try and find the solution to this problem and it sure isn't something that I can simply ignore and try to go on with my life.
Now you may say, "Josh, that's not really realistic of you. I mean, you don't literally stay in bed all day waiting for the problem to be solved." And I don't, I continue in my daily life as much and normally as I can, one day at a time, but I still haven't found the answer and I won't rest until I do. I know that I will find it, it's only a matter of time. I just need to be patient with myself and not hold unrealistic standards for myself, otherwise I may never get there.
I've been telling people for the last year that "something is missing. I have no idea what it is, but I can't shake the fact that something is missing."
You know what, I just figured out what that thing is. What I found was not the solution to my problem, but rather a more clearly defined puzzle, whose solution I'm still looking for. I'll give you an example: I'm putting together a film for a buddy of mine, I get excited to do this as it is my dream job to work as a producer pulling people together to make a film and hey, I get to make my friend's dream come true. It's a two-for-one kind of deal! Next, I am happy to be working since the production company I created is finally getting business and that means I can start being a provider again. Dream, check. Job to provide money for my family, check.
So here I am herding people for this production, actors, directors, makeup, you name it. I suddenly stumble across a friend of mine who, since we last spoke, has recently also become a producer working for a company I used to love working for and was let go from. This, just like seeing anyone else in a similar life stage doing better than yourself, is a crippling, major roadblock in my path. My anxiety shoots through the roof, I question decisions that I've made in my life, how good of a husband and father I am to my family, the short film, everything gone out the window in that one instant.
I try to reassure myself, I try to be disciplined and push through it, all I have to do is post one little Facebook post about casting and getting crew, but I'm still being held back by something. And that something ladies and gentlemen, is the now clearly defined question I have that remains to be solved. No matter how hard I try and just make the stupidly simple Facebook post to ask for people's help with the film, I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally make myself do it.
So then I look at myself and ask, "Am I not disciplined enough?" I mean, everyone can do a little better, I could spend less time doing menial things, sure. Do I have the motivation? I mean my friend's only hope for the past year and a half was making this film, so yes there's motivation to help. Do I lack passion? Maybe...Maybe I'm not as passionate about this project as other projects, but even then, I can be passionate about something I'm doing and still run into the same problem. Is it medication? I've changed my medication three times in the past year and feel like my depression is pretty stable, my anxiety is a lot better than where it was, but at the same time I don't want to be numb to those feelings. Is it thinking behavior? I don't think so, I've put the many cognitive and psychological techniques I've been taught to use to try and trick my brain, but to no avail.
So I ask you, what is this missing thing? To be honest, I don't know. But this is why I keep telling people that I don't feel comfortable holding a job. It's like an episode of Stargate SG-1. There's an alien warrior who is a host to another alien that acts as his immune system in a weird, but effective symbiotic relationship. At one point, grave circumstances are such that the warrior sustains injuries that also damage this alien living inside of him. This alien ends up dying, while the warrior takes medication to now act as his immune system.
Ever since this change, he has always felt that he was not at 100%, even when he becomes medically stable, and exceeds physical examination clearing him for active duty, he continues to train. Why? Because he isn't at the top of his game. The warrior's mentor is eventually the one that convinces the warrior that strength comes from within and that it definitely does not come from another source, be it medication or this other alien.
I love the lesson being taught here and maybe that is in fact the answer to my question, but I need you to understand this clearly:
When I tell you that I am not 100%, I expect you to understand that what I am telling you is truth. I have exhausted as many resources as I have to try and find the solution to this problem and it sure isn't something that I can simply ignore and try to go on with my life.
Now you may say, "Josh, that's not really realistic of you. I mean, you don't literally stay in bed all day waiting for the problem to be solved." And I don't, I continue in my daily life as much and normally as I can, one day at a time, but I still haven't found the answer and I won't rest until I do. I know that I will find it, it's only a matter of time. I just need to be patient with myself and not hold unrealistic standards for myself, otherwise I may never get there.
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