Day By Day...

Today was a particularly hard day, I'm not sure what triggered it, but I kept feeling as though I would have an emotional breakdown when I was out and about today getting groceries. The other day I was sitting in the shower crying to God that he would just take away this awful pain I feel, I got to a point where I was just done. I wanted to give in to the despair I felt. I was tired of trying, tired of existing solely to hurt. I felt some words come to my heart this week as I've struggled that comes from a conference talk from one of the apostles of our church he said this, 

"the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives."

I feel that my focus has been too much on my circumstances and not enough on the things around me that make life worth living. Here's a thought I had from the other day:

Anyone who knows me, knows that if I ever say "You know, I am pretty great", it's always in sarcasm. Partly because I'm not egotistical enough to say that for real, but in actuality I wouldn't say that because I don't think that highly of myself. I constantly barrage my self-esteem with belittling and abusive thoughts about myself.

I was going through my Facebook notifications and re-looked over an old post of me working on the first podcast I did. Sometimes I still feel like I haven't really accomplished anything, but this time I heard a voice saying, "You went from not knowing a single thing about video game streaming to the point now where you make your own professional graphics and a professional looking stream, all within the span of two years."

Top: First stream from April 2015; Bottom: Stream from April 2017

In those two years, you summoned the courage to reach out to people and companies you would've just instantly dismissed the thought of contacting because of the impossibility or fear of rejection. You taught yourself from scratch how to use a variety of broadcasting and multimedia programs you had only heard of when working in television.

Despite multiple failures, I keep coming up with new ideas, I keep returning and innovating old ones. I keep pushing​ back against the depression, the anxiety, the mode of thinking that seems to constantly plague me.

I remembering listening to someone talk with Ash and I about their struggles recently, and I thought, "friend, I understand, like I completely understand." I think part of the reason why we all struggle is to understand that not only can we empathize and uplift others, but we can absolutely trust that Christ and our Father in heaven truly understands us and our circumstances. We have hope, hope to get through the trials we face, the hope to stand against the buffetings of the winds and storms that crash into our lives, the hope to stand up again and again after taking a beating.

Hope is enabling. People survive in unimaginable conditions for weeks on end in the hope that they will be found and rescued. Isn't this a parable for our lives? Again, whether it's through religion, friends, family, or whatever it is that gives you hope, you truly live because of that hope. Living in despair isn't living at all.

Now friend, don't think for one second I'm telling to just get over yourself, because I personally know that philosophy just doesn't work, not for people dealing with grief, depression, anxiety, or any similar situation. The reason I get out of bed is not only for my love and obligation to my family, but because I have hope for a better life,

So when I wake up and the forecast is a rainy dose of depression, I choose to set my focus on the hope that the rain brings new life, a happier life.