Recently...

Life has been interesting to me lately. My depression hit hard again and I found myself having to go to the doctor so that I could try something new, mind you, in the middle of the semester. It has not been an easy experience and I don't expect it to be, but I am grateful for my family and that I have had several days of self-care, which I guess I haven't really given myself much of lately.

I had to trick my brain from the usual tendencies to worry about school work or responsibilities by saying to myself, "You're sick. You are actually sick with an ailment and you need to stop what you are doing and do everything to take care of yourself. Until that happens, everything else can wait." This is the first time in my life that I have been able to make myself care free and not worrying about anything. Obviously, I still know that I have responsibilities and things that I worry about, but for several days, I am allowed to do what makes me relaxed and happy without the worry of anything else.

I realize this sounds utterly selfish of me, but to put it in perspective, imagine being in a busy office as a secretary whose responsible for the whole office staff. You always have people left and right telling you messages to pass on, or tasks to perform, in the back of your mind you know that you have a big project your boss gave you that you have to get done by the end of the week, in addition to all of your other responsibilities. Every now and then you have slow moments at work, but being overzealous, you are always thinking ahead to anticipate people's needs, complimenting them when they do well, sending cards or leaving a coworkers favorite candy bar to help them get through the week. Oh, did I mention at home you also have three kids and a spouse to worry about as well? Are the kids being good at school? Will little Johnny behave himself in pre-school? Will Annie remember to clean up after school since guests are coming over today? My wedding anniversary is also coming up and I have a church party to plan as well...

...That is kind of what it is like to be in my head and no matter how hard I try, how many times I tell myself, or there aren't any pressing issues, I still manage to be anxious or sometimes depressed. So for me to be able to not worry about anything for a day or two is a Godsend. None of this would be possible if I wasn't married to the amazing woman that Ashley has always been.

............

Now that the semester is almost over, looking back I'm glad that things turned out the way they did. I had to withdraw from my classes, after much deliberation and coordination with my amazing professors. I am so very lucky to be in a major where not only are my professors invested in my well-being, but the students and professors were always concerned and more willing to help than anyone could ask for. I was able to attend a semester wrap-up party for my major and was able to see everyone and they continued to express their love and concern, as well as their excitement to see me.

One great thing that I have enjoyed and loved about  being home is the time I've been able to spend helping Ashley take care of Lauren and Jacob. I get to be a part of their development and see all the little things that they do during the day that makes being a parent so worth it. They're beginning to snuggle with us when they are tired or sense that we might be emotionally needy. They are also becoming aware of each other's needs and putting those needs before their own.

It has been great to have the support of family and friends. Sometimes though, it is still hard to feel like you let people down when you don't personally feel like you are living up to the potential that others see in you. I wouldn't say that it is always me trying to live up to others expectations, though admittedly I have drawn up inaccurate conclusions on what some of those expectations might be, but rather that others see so much good in what little you can accomplish with the weight of depression and all you feel like you've done is sat in the corner huddled under a blanket, afraid of the world.

I hope everyone knows that my posts or comments about my depression and anxiety aren't there to try and receive words of praise or encouragement. They are simply a way for me to both cope and communicate the feelings I sometimes feel are hard to describe when dealing with these issues, so that others may better understand how to be sympathetic/empathetic to others.

Looking forward, this battle in the great war against depression, anxiety, frustration, heartbreak, and the many emotions and turmoils that concur with mental illness, I have a deepening resolve to continue pursuing dreams and projects because for me, that is living my life to the fullest. If I never tried to put myself out there and even fail sometimes, I would seriously end up back in the hospital, just wasting away feeling like there isn't anything to live for.

Many of you might want to remind me that I have so much to live for and I know that I do. I love my family immensely, having depression doesn't change that. What depression does is turns that love into a feeling of regret, despair, and hopelessness because I'm not doing enough for my family who I love so much because I have to withdraw from a semester, or fail to accomplish a career goal. Depression sucks, let's just go right out and say it. Despite all of your best efforts, it somehow finds a way to turn something extremely positive into a negative.

Where am I going with my rant? I honestly don't know other than depression isn't sensible and I personally feel that no one should try and make it sensible because it just isn't and never will be. Now to a more positive note: I have faith and hope that my dreams will come true, even if I can only muster enough willpower to accomplish the smallest task each day. As long as I'm progressing, that's better than going backwards on the depression train. I'm happy for the small victories, which might be interpreted by some as lazy. I also want to say that I'm grateful for the people God has put all around me for support and people who suffer from similar ailments and others that suffer beyond what I can comprehend.

I'm grateful for people who try to row forward despite the ginormous waves that crash down on them. It is because of people like this that continues to drive me forward.